“I have learnt to accept myself for who I am.”
From the ages of ten to 13 I was groomed by someone around the same age as me, who I considered to be a close friend. I hid this from everyone until eventually he attempted to do the same thing to my sibling. This was the breaking point at which I spoke out.
After this, to say ‘all hell broke loose’ would be an understatement. We lived next door to one another, so there was no escaping it or trying to carry on and live my life. Instead, months and months passed by of constant harassment from him and his family; both at home and also at school. Rumours were spread and bullies began to gang up on me, throwing around all kinds of accusations.
“Why?” I used to say to myself. “Why would people do this to me? Why does no one believe me?” I felt hurt, betrayed, rejected. I felt worthless.
These emotions continued to build up, until I eventually ended up in psychosis due to the stress I was under.
I was in psychosis for around eight months, during which, I was in and out of hospitals. This lasted until mid-2015, when finally my family moved house and I started to feel well again. I had a second chance. At first, life was still very difficult. In fact, it still is today. I deal with the hardships of my trauma constantly. I hear voices, hallucinate and sometimes have nightmares about the incident.
However, after several years of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, I began EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing), a type of therapy, which has been specifically designed to help people recover from traumatic events in their lives by learning to store memories. It was the true turning point for me. As I went through the therapy, I learned to accept what had happened and I came to realise that I wasn’t at fault. That I wasn’t worthless. I also had frequent visits from my Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) at the time who would always cheer me up with their constant support.
My team did everything they could to help me and I couldn’t be more thankful. I processed and stored memories through EMDR, I learnt more about my illnesses with my psychiatrist and I felt constantly supported by my CPN. Although I continue to struggle with my illnesses every day, they are more manageable thanks to the support I received. I know that I will never truly be free from them and I know that I have a long road ahead of me. However, I believe that there’s always a way to work through things like this no matter how difficult it may seem. I’ve attempted suicide, been in psychosis and seen some terrible things, but I know deep down that I still have to carry on.
From therapy, I have learnt that people love me and care about me. I have learnt that I am wanted and worthy of being here. I have learnt to accept myself for who I am. Whilst my Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression and Anxiety continue to rage on, I will not give up this fight. These illnesses do not define me, I know who I am. I know what kind of person I want to be and I know that as long as you have hope, things can get better. Please, do not end your fight. Keep going. I promise you that better days will come.